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The title of this week's penultimate episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is "A Shot Through the Heart." So who gives love a bad name?
Certainly not Lisa Vanderpump, who's about to renew her vows with her husband of 30 years, Ken Todd.
But in a case of terrible timing (or carefully crafted PR stunt), Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif announced their separation (they have since divorced) on the very morning of Lisa's party.
The Bravo promos, which had teased that Paul walked out after Adrienne's insulted him (what else is new?) during a vodka launch party, turned out to be a hoax: He was in fact punking her and enjoying the revelry as a painted Dionysus in the trees above their guests.
"As long as he's getting attention and you're feeding his ego, he's happy," said a miffed Mrs. Maloof. "He actually kind of looks a little pathetic."
In fact, it was Adrienne herself, along with her invited co-stars, who looked a pathetic as they collectively bashed the absent Brandi Glanville.
It started when Marisa -- even more disrespectful to her own husband, Dean Zanuck, than Adrienne ever was to Paul -- shared a text she received from Brandi suggesting that she might "save [her] marriage"-- with an infidelity "hall pass," something Ms. B had previously joked about.
While Yolanda chastised Marisa for complaining about Brandi's text to everyone but Brandi, celebrity hanger-on Faye Resnick continued the assault, repeating gossip that Brandi had hooked up with some guy in a bathroom at Kyle's White Party.
Even worse, at least in the eyes of Camille Grammer, she'd done so in one of the kids' bathrooms. Horrors!
At Lisa's party, Brandi denied the story (Lisa herself refuted it, as she and Brandi had been together most of the party) and accused Adrienne of being behind it. In fact, it was reported by the same Radar writer who published the "exclusive" about Adrienne's separation.
Even more suspicious was the guest list for Lisa's "housewarming" -- Faye Resnick? Yolanda's husband's ex-wife? Were the invites issued by Lisa -- or Bravo, for maximum drama?
Adrienne and Paul were no-shows, of course, but Marisa's husband was MIA. (Instead she was accompanied by her mother and yet another terrifying hairdo -- can't one of the Housewives lend Mrs. Zanuck their stylist?)
Yolanda, "driven by romance," brought plenty of dramz to Villa Rosa -- along with her husband, aka her "king." She also insisted to the horrified partyers that "being obedient to your man isn't weakness, it's strength."
She drew on that strength to strong-arm Marisa, dragging Brandi over to confront the flustered text sharer. Mrs. Zanuck reiterated that she has a very happy marriage, citing the fact that she'd happily "f*** tall, dark and handsome right now" -- i.e., not her husband.
Pot-stirrer Faye of course crashed the conversation, and launched another Brandi attack. And with her finely sharpened talons, she accused the former Mrs. Cibrian of destroying Adrienne and Paul's marriage. This time, she fired all her weapons, accusing tried
"You put them through hell," she sneered, "like you put everyone else through hell."
For more hellfire and damnation, tune in to next week's RHOBH finale!
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